


Give me a break

by MecaniqueFairy



Category: Undertale (Video Game), underswap
Genre: @skesgo, Crying, Depression, Did I mention crying?, Other, Panic Attacks, Reset blue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-03
Updated: 2019-08-03
Packaged: 2020-07-30 14:46:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20098918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MecaniqueFairy/pseuds/MecaniqueFairy
Summary: After an unusual panic attack, a youg woman find herself stuck in the middle of the wood without the possibility of going back home. It's there that she find some inexpected help in the shape of a living skeletton....WARNING: This fic talk about depression and panic attack.





	Give me a break

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was inspired by the version of underswap Sans imagined by Skesgo, also call ResetBlue.  
Link to his tublr (he make amazing art): <https://skesgo.tumblr.com>
> 
> It all started with a weird dream that I had and were there were characters of fanfictions I follow, and I decide to make a fic about it with only ResetBlue because I felt like he was the one closest to the situation. In the end it became some kind of mini-therapy for me as I could finally let go of everything that was stressing me lately. Also, IMPORTANT, English isn't my first language, but I wanted to practice it (and also no one in my family talk English so, if they find this fic, they will never be able to read it...). So, there is a possibility of many spelling mistakes.  
I'm very sorry in advance.

*Inhale, exhale, inhale*, I’m fine, everything is fine,*exhale, inhale*, I’m fine, I have nothing to complain about, *exhale*, I’m healthy, I’m alive! I have a good family and good friends… why do I feel this way!?…, *inhale*… Wait…where am I? *Exhale*, I’m…. I’m in a bus?!... *Inhale*, I don’t really remember how I got here anymore, the last thing I remember is jumping into my pants and getting out of the apartment…. Did I lock my door…? OMG! Did I let a note for my roommate?! What if she wakes up and…? No…NO!!! IT’S NOT IMPORTANT! IT’S OK, I’M OK, I’M AN ADULT FOR GOD’S SAKE!!! BREATHE! Just….. Breathe…… breathe… Ok… Okokokokok! Let’s focus! Number one; Getting out of here!

  
Without more hesitation, I press the bus stop button and, after less then a minute, I’m outside. The temperature is just the right, the air is fresh, there’s trees… a lot of them actually… is it…? Am I in the middle of the wood…? …To late to change my mind, the bus is long gone… Ok! Perfect! Just… lets find the bus stop that goes in the other way… Simple!

  
I choice a direction out of nowhere as my eyes start to get accustom to the dark but after less then a minute, I decide to go in the other way to try to find this damn stop… finally, after a couples of minutes at going back and ford, I find it! ...to then realise that at this hour the bus only goes in one direction, you know, for the persons who work late in town and live in remote areas…The next bus going back in town is at 5 am….  
So, let’s resume… I’m stuck, god know where, no phone, because I hate cellphones, I’m all alone and no-one know I’m here…. Well as I was complaining, not 6 hours ago, that nothing interesting ever happen to me, I can now say, BRAVO! You got what you wished for girl!!!

  
I aggressively rub my forehead, trying to find a good idea as I return to my initial post, doing my best to read the bus schedule without my glasses. Not that I’ve a big sight problem but it would’ve been much better with them, especially with the headache that threatened to emerge at any time. So, if I’ve read it right, the next bus is in an hour…. I could take it until I can find a place to call a taxi, or ask the driver for help… or I could just walk back to town… I’ve never been afraid of long walk before… Then again it could be dangerous… Then, AGAIN, staying here alone could be dangerous too…

  
As my mind was racing at all the possibilities I've got in option and all the down side of each of them, my senses start to awake, more sensitive at my surrounding. Suddenly the natural sound of the wood seems louder and more menacing… God I would like to scream right now but… Wait a minute… I’m all alone… No one at a mile… I could do anything I want without anyone earing me, without disturbing anyone… I could actually scream as loud as I want… FINALLY! I’ve dream about doing this for weeks now!!! But… No… Come on girl, what if you were wrong, what if someone's hear you … This is dumb… But then again, when will I ever have this opportunity again? I’ve got so much stress lately… I could scream it all out, right here, right now… Also, I’ve got an hour to kill if I decide to take back the bus so…

  
Perfectly motionless and silent, I try to pay even more attention to my surroundings. No motor noises at the horizon, no light suggesting any dwelling close by, just the wind in the trees and a few insects living their simple live without worrying about my presence. I wait again a couples of seconds, for good measure, and like one would jump in cold water, I let out a short cry quickly smothered behind my hands. Then, I listen again for any kind of sign that some living beings would be close by… 10 seconds… 30 seconds… a minute… two… nothing. Just the wind and the usual forest inhabitants.

  
I take a deep breath and quickly let it all out before I could chickening out. I scream until I’ve got no air at all, and as I take back a second deep breath, I can hear birds flying away from me before I let out my second helpless cry of anger and disgust for the world I’m living in… and for myself... for daring to hate it as much as I do… Before I know it, I couldn’t stop anymore but this wasn’t enough, I could still feel this little ball inside of me that remind me how weak and helpless I am, how little control I possess over my life and how lost I feel. So, I then started punching a poor tree, close by, that did absolutely nothing to deserve it.

  
I could feel the skin on my precious hands tearing apart as I screamed with even more conviction and pain, until my legs decide for me that it was enough emotions for one night and let me crash on the ground without more ceremony. Exhausted, I just stay there, crying my eyes out, as my head rested against the trunk of the tree that I had just aggressed seconds ago. I feel empty, but it wasn’t that bad this time... It won’t change the world for sure but at least I've got this out of my system for a little while… I’ll also need a good excuse for the bruises on my hands… or I could simply wear long sleeves to hide them… 

_-…And no one will ever know. _I sighed softly with a smirk on my face.

  
And this is the moment the gods decide to remind me that nothing that I plan ever happen like it was supposed to.  
It started with a weird sound that came rapidly closer and closer… someone was running... FAST! Oh-God-no……..!

  
_-HEY!!! HEEEEEEEEEY!!! MISS!? WHERE ARE YOU?! _Screamed a poor guy panicking.

  
Well, freakidi fucking fuck! Somebody heard me scream… Why, oh lord, why did I ever think it would be a good idea….? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!  
As I started to violently shaking, I crushed my hands on my mouth, trying to cover up my sobs, and did my best to appear as invisible as possible. I know that I should stand up and warn the stranger that this is nothing but a terrible misunderstand, but I am incapable of it... Seriously! Look at me! My hair is a mess, my eyes must be all red and puffy… I must look like a crazy lady that run away from a mental institute! This is not how I want to introduce myself to peoples! …And this poor guy has rush here after hearing me screaming murder, imagining the WORST, hoping to help me, and what am I supposed to tell him…? …OUPS!?

  
_-MIIIIISSSS?! WHERE ARE YOU?! PLEASE, ANSWER ME!!!! _Continued my ignorant ''savior'' as he gets closer.

  
I could now hear the sound of the branches being broken in his way and the leaves being crushed by his steps, letting me know it was now only a question of seconds. I hold my breath…………………….. then he passed me……….. about maybe more or less a meter of my location, to continue on his way, searching for me.

  
Surprise, I let out a gasp for then choked with the air that desperately came back to my lungs and I started coughing despite all my efforts to stop it... but it should be ok... He's far enough, right?... Well, apparently nope! I could hear him stop an instant to immediately come back on his trail…. COME ON!!! How could he have heard me over all the noises he was making!?

  
_-MISS! ARE YOU ALRIGHT!?_

And, as the only answer I could give him at that moment, I started ugly crying!

  
_-…….*Cough*…..I… yes…I mean….*Still coughing and crying* …I…I’m so sorry… I… I didn’t want to…. I didn’t know… *SNIF*… I didn’t know someone would…. hear me… I’m SO SORRYYYY!!!_

  
And then, as I cried my eyes out, I could sense the poor guy awkwardly just standing there silently before trying to slowly coming closer, like one would do with a terrified little animal, before sitting down right in my back. ...Oh! How I must look pathetic right now… But this gentleman never made the slightest negative comment on my conduct as he simply, and patiently, waited for me to calm down. ….It took some time…

  
_-Are you hurt miss? He asked me more softly._

_-…I… *snif*…hum…no. I… I just………….You know, just had a rough night… I needed to… just let it out in some way… It was dumb, I’m sorry… I hope… I hope I didn’t wake you up……_

  
_\- OH, NO! DO NOT WORRY! I was just up there, watching the stars!_

  
_-….oh….sorry for scraping your night… _

  
_-NONE SENSE! You didn’t ruin anything! I’m watching the stars pretty much every night, by now… I welcome the change! Especially if I make myself a new friend in the process! But I forgot my manners… Let me introduce myself… I AM THE MAGNIFICENT _ _SANS THE SKELETON!!! But my friends call me Blue!_

  
He’s sudden energy made me smile a little, but then, his mood seems to drastically change as he suddenly adds in a lower tone, more for himself;

  
_-…..or at least they used to…._

  
The sadness in his voice didn’t pass unnoticed for me but I didn’t comment.

_-Well, that’s definitely an interesting name… _

  
I dry my eyes and my nose with my arm and put on the best smile I could managed before awkwardly turning around as I was finally ready to face him.

  
_-My friends call me Fairy… But…_

  
As I was about to give him my name, my eyes lay upon his face and I suddenly became mute out of shock. Big, glowy blue eyes… no nose… no ears… a smile that try to be reassuring, although it seems a little sad… is clothes were composed of a bleu bandana tied around his neck, dark blue t-shirt with yellow band on the sleeves and black long sleeves shirt under it, a pair of gloves, cargo pants with some orange fabric tied at is right leg and a pair of boots. Everything looked old and torn like if they've been worn for some epic battles… Sans wasn't ugly, I would even say he was kind of cute! But what as shocked me is that he was, as his name suggests, an actual living skeleton… I could have believed this was a dream if it wasn’t for the pain all over my body… I never felt pain in my dreams, neither did I ever felt the texture of the ground or felt the discomfort that you feel in the muscles of your legs after stayed crouched for too long without moving… Yup! This was real!!!

  
But…..But… But… BUT?! OMG! I had so much questions right now, I forgot about everything else! Does he know he’s a skeleton? Well that’s stupide…DAAAAA!!! How does he work? There’s no muscle to keep everything together!!! HOW!? His face seems rather expressive to be a simple skull made of bone .... he can close his eyes, smile .... is this some form of super flexible cartilage? Would his skin be so fine that it wouldn't be visible? Is he even from this planet!?!

  
_-…..But…?_

Sans suddenly brought me back to reality. What was I about to say before all this…?

  
_-…..Hum….bu…but I’m….NOT, sadly, a real fairy myself.…Or at least I don’t think I’m… Then again I would probably be the last to complain if I was…..*nervous laugh* ….everything is possible this day so…._

  
…….Oh for the love….!!!! SHUT UP GIRL!!!! Somebody, please, make me stop! Seriously! Why do I’ve to rant in useless details every freaking time I’m nervous!? Thankfully, it didn’t seem too annoyed my new friend, on the contrary! His smile seems to be brighter and bigger as I was blabbering my non-sense.

  
-_Well! It is a pleasure to meet you, miss Fairy but-not-a-real-one!_

  
This made me laugh a little and I needed it. I offered him my hand to shake… and immediately regretted it, as I wince in pain.

  
-_Oh dear! Are you alright!? DID I HURT YOU!?_

  
He quickly checks my hands before I could say anything.

  
-_WHAT HAPPEN TO YOUR HANDS!!!??? _

  
-_….hmm…..well…..how could I explain… I had a lot to get out and… well… in the action… I may have let myself carried away and…………….. But I’m sure this look worst then it is! And I…I’m pretty sure I have my first aid kit in my bag! I always have! ….I… I most have my bag…. well yes, if I took the bus I must! My pass is in it after all…_

  
As I continued talking to myself, Sans tried frenetically to located my bag… but it was in vain… in a flash of horror I realised… I had forgot it in the bus….

  
_-Oh no……NO!...NonononononononononononoNO!!! All my money, my cards! MY FREAKING KEYS!!!!_

  
Now, not only I could definitely not take the bus, but I would have to wake up my roommate to going back home and, in the process, I would have to answer all her questions…. What a night!

  
Then I felt the hand of the skeleton on my shoulder as he tries to reassure me once more.

  
_-Do not worry miss, I’m sure we’ll find it! But in the meantime.…_

  
He took a small roll of bandage from his pocket and began to wrap my wounds as gently as possible.

  
_-…Priorities first! _

  
I let out a sigh while trying to hold back my tears, I had cry enough for one night! And I took a deep breath to calm my nerves. I raised my eyes to the sky, too embarrassed to look at my strange caregiver in the face.

  
_-… My bag isn’t really a problem to be honest….. well, except if someone finds it and decide to keep it…… no, wait! That’s not important! I can call the bus central and ask if they found it….. but I can’t go back home without it…. Or at least not as easily…_

  
_-…Maybe I could help you… _

  
I slowly lowered my eyes to face his. Oh god, those big puppy eyes… full of so much sincerity... That should be illegal! I smiled sadly, suddenly much calmer.

  
_-Thank you, very much…but you already did so much and you sadly can’t answer their questions in my place, so……_

  
_-…. What questions? _

  
I loudly sigh, Eyes back to the sky I couldn’t see thanks to the trees.

  
_-…. Where have you been? ....Why haven’t you awaked me?… What were you doing outside so late? …How did I get here?_

  
Silence settled between us for a while as I closed my eyes like it would cut me from the rest of this world. Maybe a minute passed as I was trying to clear my mind of any thoughts when Sans spoke again.

  
_-…and why exactly are you here? If, of course, it isn't too much to ask!_

  
_-…..I……._

  
Was I really about to laid it all out to a perfect stranger? Well, he already saw me in the most pathetic stage I’ve ever been in my life and the good thing about this is that as a stranger, he cannot be hurt by seeing me hurt….he can pity me for sure, but it will not truly touch him….He could used it against me of course, but then again, if he wished me wrongs, wouldn’t he have act on it already…. Oh well, at that point I have nothing to lose really.

  
_-….. I don’t know to be honest…. I just, kind of, wake up in the bus …. *sigh*… I… sometime I’ve those…. panic attacks…? Well, the doctor said they aren't really because panic attacks happen when your head is too full of thoughts, but what happen to me, always does when mine is finally free of it and I’m close to fall asleep… They think this is more some sort of sleep disorder, but I’m sure it isn’t!......... Anyway! What happen is…. How could I describe it? It is like a mix of two feelings in one.…. hmm, like….. Have you ever… like…. I know it’s a weird question but…. have you ever been very close to have a big accident like, maybe, something that could have hurt you deeply or even kill you?_

  
Sans looked at me, surprised by my question, for then letting out a short laugh with an inch of nervousness and maybe a bit of sarcasm.

  
_-…..Yes….I think I've….._

  
_-Well, you know this feeling you have in your guts when you see the blow coming your way, that moment when you say ''Oh shit!'' in your head because there is very little chance that you could avoid it!….. Well, that’s the first feeling, but, instead of a short ''GASP'' that lasts less than a second, it's in continue and it's double! The other one is like if you could physically feel the time passing around you… like when you’re sick and you close your eyes for a second and you think an hour has passed… but somebody put a freaking turbo motor to the clock and everything go super fast around you! Like, in a minute you will be 80 year's old! That fast! Put those two together and this is what I feel! There're no images, no context, just that feeling and then I feel lost, and dizzy, and I can’t breathe…. I have to get out of the bed and repeat over and over that I’m ok, that I’m alive, that I’m safe, until ''CLIC'' everything is gone. Back to normal, no trace of this feeling, like it had never happened. And then I’m stuck in the bathroom waiting for my legs to works again, because this is physically exhausting, aaaaand it’s pretty much that!_

  
I looked at Sans who stayed there, staring at me silently for a while. I’ll not lie, it felt good to be finally able to put it in words. It was like a little bit of weight that was lift from my heart.

  
_-…. Wow…..That sound terrible…._

  
_-HmmHmm!_

  
_-….. But then… if it drain you, like you say… How did you manage to end up here?_

  
_-Yes…well. you see, what I’ve just described is the worst of those attack…or at least it was until today…. Some time they are less then a minute! But there was those two times, where they lasted between 10 and 15 minutes… those were my worst! But what happen is, when I’m in the middle of one of them, I’ve got this adrenaline rush, and also...in the past, I used to live alone….._

  
I lowered my eyes to the ground, gathering my courage to attack the more… delicate part of my story. Or at least, delicate for me.

  
_-I’ve no shame to talk about my problems… well, maybe a little sometime, but next to some members of my family I’m very open! It's not meant to be mean, it’s just, I’ve been raised that way. You see, from my mother's side, peoples have some difficulties to open up about their problems and admitting they’re hurt. They want to help everyone! …but there’s no way in hell they would let anyone see they’re in pain or help them! Because they could worry others, because others have enough problems like that and they just don’t want to be a burden for anyone! …..I hate that! I want people to be open with me, so it should be natural for me to be open with them! It's just logic! And I try my best to not following this type of thinking as much as I can!!! ...But it is one thing to talk about it….. it is another to let anyone seeing me in actual pain….. It has been more than a year since my last attack, I was so certain it was over! Just some kind of twisted phase! I didn’t even think about it when I decide to go live with my best friend! We’re practically sisters at that point! It would be fun, less expensive and my family would stop worrying about me! But then it happens………_

  
Despite my efforts, I could feel my tears running down my cheek silently as I could relive all over again the past events in my head.

  
_-I just….. I panicked! She sleeps next to the bathroom, and even in my bed she would have heard me! I tried to stay silent, to bottle it in, waiting for it to pass…… but I…. I couldn't breath!!! I was losing control….. I….. The last thing I remember was putting on clothes and running outside! …I must have been too busy focusing on my breathing and fell on automatic mode……. after that I realised I was in a bus….. no idea how much time has pass or where I was going…. I didn’t think about it and I just…. got out! Then the rest you know…. I became very frustrated… the feeling was still there and I decide to let it out once and for all and I was so certain that I would disturb no one……_

  
None of us said anything for a short time. As I was looking the skeleton from the corner of my eyes, I could see he was struggling to say something or do something… No idea what could be happening in his head right now and neither was I interested to know… After all, even when you’re not attached to the person, the sensation of being helpless to help or not knowing what to say will never be an enjoyable feeling to have.

  
_-…. Do you know what could have cause this attack?_

  
I didn’t expect this question. So much so that I let out a short sarcastic laugh.

  
_-If I knew, I would be working on it rather than going to lose myself in the middle of nowhere._

  
His face darkened with a sad and embarrassed expression that broke my heart. For the love….! The poor guy was just trying to help, what have I done?!

  
_-….. NO! …Wait! I’m sorry. The true is, I’ve got some ideas, but nothing solid! …And even if I was right, there is nothing I can do to change the situation…. I’m powerless….._

  
_-…Sound like a challenge! _

  
_-*Laugh* It’s a way to see thing! _

  
_-You know… I love challenge! And there’s this expression that said ''two heads are better than one''… Maybe, if you want, I could be of some assistance! …Like, I could bring a new perspective to your dilemma and who know, maybe we could....ease, this situation of yours...!?_

  
Sans stayed in silence, full of hope, waiting for my answer. At that point I was starting to question my previous opinion about the possibility of all this been a dream because, seriously, who would try to help that much a weird stranger, in the middle of a wood, pass midnight, that suffer with unknown mental issues!?......Also the skeleton, I'm not gonna lie, the skeleton part is still making me question my own sanity even so it is the coolest thing I've ever see...... Oh! And why not!!! If all this is real, then there’s some sort of magical being who want to help me over there!!! As I said, this is the most amazing thing that ever happen in my life! I’m gonna live this moment as long has it last! So, I smiled at the skeleton.

  
_-Why not…at that point, who try nothing, got nothing! _

  
_\- WELL SAID MISS FAIRY!!! _He exclaimed._ I AM POSITIVE THAT, WITH THE BOTH OF US, WE SHALL BE ABLE TO CONQUER ANYTHING! _

  
He then took some kind of heroic pose, his eyes glittering of anticipation and excitement at the idea of the challenge. That made me smile and laugh a little, it was adorable!

  
_-SO, PLEASE TELL ME! What could have bothered you today?! What is the last thing that came to your mind before your attack?!_

  
Now, in a normal situation, I would have try to smoot thing a little….you know, making the information pass more sweetly, making sure to not cause any useless stress…….but, it was perhaps the surrealism of the present situation, I instead went for ‘as direct as a slap in the face’!

  
_-….death….._

  
_-…………………………………………………………………………………………………………OK! Sooooooooo, when you say death…………?_

  
_-I mean my death…………..I mean, I’m going to die……..one day…..I’m going to disappeared….. I’ll cease to feel anything, warmth, texture, taste, happiness, sadness……..nothing……… just emptiness…… and there’s nothing I can do about this…… _

  
After all the emotions that has overwhelmed me until now, I was suddenly, and surprisingly, very calm and detached about what just had gotten out of my mouth…. It felt practically good in a way…. Sans, on the other hand, wasn't looking so good… Let's just say, the excitement that was there seconds ago, ran away quite fast….. I could see the confusion in his eyes, not knowing what to say…. I didn’t blame him, what could he do…..? This is a fact, no one can change that…… maybe not even a magical skeleton from god know where…..

  
_-…I……hmm…..Are you……. are you sick…? _He asked me cautiously

  
_-Oh no! I'm perfectly healthy!_

  
_-………So……do you……. wish to die………? _

  
_-……no………and this is the problem………._

  
Sans could finally breath again! But then, he looked at me even more confused.

  
_-I…… I'm afraid I've got some difficulties seeing how that would be a problem......not wishing to die I mean....._

  
_\- The fear of dying is stopping me from enjoying been alive, it’s making me sick……. physically and mentally…… There hasn't a night, by now, where I don’t fall asleep thinking about my own death and how the time is running faster than myself …….._

  
_-….Oh, I see…………and when did you start having those thoughts?_

  
_-I think the thoughts started when I was a child……. the day I lost a loved one for the very first time and truly realised that life had an end……… I had a very big depression over it back then but, after a while, peoples told me to just think about something else...... so I did.…….It worked, more or less, for a couples of years but, after a while, the thoughts came back stronger and more regularly… I always manage to push them on the side to be able to sleep peacefully……. until I got my first attack…… _

  
I took a short break as Sans patiently waited for the rest of my story.

  
_-…. At first they were short and, as much as they concerned me, I didn’t think too much of it…….. Then the big one happen…….. I thought I was about to die! It was horrible….. At first I tried to find what was causing this by myself, but nothing, and the doctors I consulted didn’t help much either…..''Just take some sleeping pills and off to sleep you go!''.... I felt like they didn’t really care about curing me. For them it was better to just bury the problem to better forget about it ……. I wish I could see a psychiatrist, but I’m too poor to afford one and without a doctor prescribed one for me, impossible to have one for free……. But to manage to convince one, I would have to actually try to kill myself, like my grandmother! The day following her tentative she had an appointment! And of course she refused to go because of this freaking family habit of refusing to open up and her PRIDE!!!…….. I’m sorry, I'm getting out of subject…….. Anyway, one day, they stopped! Just like that! And after a while, I was certain it was over….. and then today happens……_

  
_-…….This look quite frustrating……….and your grandmother, is she doing better? Do you think what happen could have trigger your attack?_

  
_\- It happened 3 months ago….. As much as it's troubling me, I had time to recover from the initial shock. It’s slowly settling but, even if she survived and said she regret her act, it’s certain this has still an impact on everyone.... In the end, even if this is part of the pile of stuff that could potentially have caused my attack…… I still cannot do anything about it….. I can’t force my grandmother to take care of herself if she doesn’t want! No one can! All I can do is tell her that I love her and hoping for the best….._

  
_\- Well, I’m sure this is very useful, even if it doesn’t look like this right now! I’m certain your love is doing a lot of good to your grandmother and with time, she might find the strength to trust someone enough to talk about her problems!_

  
_-…….I hope you are right……._

  
I offered a shy smile to the optimistic skeleton, wishing deep down he was right, even if I had my doubts....

  
_-And what about the rest of your ''pile of stuff'' that you think could have caused your attack?!_

  
_-Oh my boy ... .. where to start ... .. I ....... I feel insipid ... .. or more exactly I feel empty. I have no ambition, no passion! I like a lot of things, do not get me wrong, but when I try to find something in which I could invest myself or even better, make a career out of it...... I feel nothing inside ....... I desire nothing ...... For example, I do not hate my job, but I do not feel any joy either ... I’m sure I don't want to work here for the rest of my life, but when I try to think of what I want to do with my life, my mind change into a big gray screen with static and empty noises………….. So I just stay there, living on automatic, like one of those NPC in video games that got only three sentences and nothing more….. I….. I know life can’t be as interesting as what’s in my head……. it would be unrealistic……. but still, it would be great if it could a bit more…….. alive!? Instead, I’m wasting precious minutes of my life living the same exact boring alienated day over and over again!!! AND I DON’T WHANT TO HEAR THAT ALL I NEED IS TO FIND LOVE!....._

  
Oh, this was one touchy subject that people loved to shove into my face! I used to hate talking about love as I was unable to fall in love with anyone (out side of fictional characters, maybe). For so long, I’ve felt like I was broken or something, that is, of course, until I discovered about the big asexual family and find my place in it.

  
_\- .... Love isn't a miracle potion and forcing myself to be in couple won't fix this world, nor the way my mind reacts to it! First of all, I'm demi! In order for me to fall in love, I need a strong and unique connection with someone, WHICH TAKES TIME. And for my experience, people don't have time .... And it's not just a question of relationship, everything is going too fast for me! It makes me dizzy and sick…… also, it’s not because I developed a strong connexion with someone that I’ll obligatory fall for them! This isn’t some kind of game where once you succeed a series of achievements you’ve got your little trophy in the end! Friendship is a thing too! But noooooooooo! This is wrong because I’ve a freaking uterus so my live should be about getting laid! Hell! Last week there was this poor 17 year’s old girl that got killed because she ''DARED'' to refuse the advances of some ''NICE GUY'' that considered himself entitle to possess her because he knew her for a long time…… like……. This is my world! The world I’m living in……… And it’s making me SICK! _

  
At this instant, it was like someone had tried to open the tap and something inside broke up to make room for one big messy flood. There were words…. words everywhere! I couldn’t stop! All my fears…. so much fear and stress about this world was suddenly thrown up for the world to see! And to be honest, before they had gotten out of my mouth, I don't think I fully realized I had those.

  
_-…. In the last months, there isn't a day where I haven’t heard some news that made me angry or disgusted about this world! Seriously! The environment is disastrous, pollution is killing everything and if it's not pollution, it’s our own leaders that destroy the lives of everything that isn’t themselves (or encourage others to do so) by being absolute moron or having some kind of god complex and a need to control everything and everyone for maintaining the illusion they’re stronger than they truly are and reassure their pathetic self-esteem!!!…. I just…..I CAN’T!!!! I feel like I’m living on a giant ticking time bomb about to EXPLODE in my face at any moment!!! And AGAIN! There’s nothing I can’t do about it! Voting didn’t give me any result by now, recycling is useless as long as big company are allowed to throw all their garbage wherever they wish…. and, of course, every time I talk about this, even a little tiny bit, and mention that it's stressing me…. people said; '''Well, just stop watching the news and you will be just fine'''! LIKE IT WOULD MAKE EVERY PROBLEMS MAGICALY DISAPPEARED!!! I don’t like to play the ostrich, it never did any good and never will.... So, in the end, I just….. hate this world….. I know there’s good in it, but still, I hate it so much sometime and I hate that I hate it like that!!! How dare I complain!? How dare I feel that way!? I’ve got a roof, a job, Wonderful friends and family….. I should appreciate what I have…. And for the most part I do….. But I….. The simple idea that I’ll die in this world one day make me want to throw up……. I don’t want to disappear in this world……. it feels so empty, even if I want to believe in something better after life, with everything I see every day, it’s starting to be harder and harder to believe in any kind of paradise out there………_

  
My eyes suddenly filled themselves with water once again and I couldn't do anything to stop them....

  
_-…… And the worst part is not just that, one day, I'll just cease to exist………no! The worst is...if this is true …..then the ones I’ve already lost....they are nowhere……they are nothing anymore…..and…….and I shall truly never meet them again……they have disappeared…………………………………………………………………and so will everyone that I love now……………………………………….maybe even sooner than I'm ready to.........................I don't want to lose them..................I can't................._

  
As I cried, despite my promise of not doing it again, I’ve got no encouraging pep talk from the optimistic fellow that proposed is help, minutes ago. I didn’t dare raise my head to face him… It wasn’t shame that forced me to focus so much attention to my feet….. What was happening was maybe closer of fear……. fear to read the expression on his face and regretting confessing such a delicate matter……. but I couldn’t stop now, it was too late…

  
_-…. So that’s it! That’s exactly my problem! I'M STUCK! LIVING ON REPEAT WHILE I KEEP LOSING A BIT OF MY LIFE EVERY SINGLE DAY THAT PASS, TOO EXHAUSTED AND STRESS TO ACTUALLY BE ABLE TO DO SOMETHING TO IMPROVE THINGS!!! PRISONER OF A WORLD THAT IS SLOWLY DYING THANKS TO SOME PSYCHOPATHS, THAT ARE DOING ALL THIS JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE BORED, WHILE BEING FORCED TO ACCEPT THAT, IN ALL THIS SHIT, EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE THAT I LOVE WILL ONE DAY DISAPPEREAD AND THERE’S NOTHING I CAN DO TO HELP ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!! CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW THAT FEEL!?!?!_

  
After a short silence, only broken by my sobs, the voice of Sans echoed like a whisper.

  
_-…………………………………I do……………………_

  
His voice was filled with so much sadness, I couldn’t stop myself from finally looking at him. His big eyes were hidden behind a river of silent tears as his face was broken by some undescriptive pain, making him shake as he seems to try to stop himself of tearing apart….. Oh god what have I done……..? Regret was taking the control of me as my own suffering was put aside. I tried my best to find the right words to apologise and maybe try to help the one that has been so kind to me but, before I could say anything, it was the turn of Sans to let it out.

  
_-There was this human…..or more a demon…....they fell in our underground world….At first, they seem friendly! But then they discovered they could reset…..Every time they were hurt, they would just reset to the moment they first arrived or some other times before the incident and goes on. Then they………they started to kill everyone……over and over again…..and I……. I though it was because they were afraid……. they looked just like a child, I wanted to help them so much……. even after they killed me….. even after they killed my brother the first times! I still wished to help! I still thought I could save them! ...........How naïve of me……………. Maybe if I knew……. I could have done something! ANYTHING!_

  
Sans fell on his knees, crying like there was no tomorrow, his head between his hands. I had to stop myself from invade his personal space to hugging him tight. Instead, I stayed motionless while starring at him, frozen in fear of disturbing him, waiting for him to continue…

  
_-…… So many resets, so much deaths….. over and over again!!! FOR WHAT!? ENTERTAINMENT!!!! HOW SOMEONE COULD POSSIBLY FEEL SO MUCH PLEASURE AT CAUSING SO MUCH PAIN FOR OTHER!? You could have thought that they would eventually lose interest…..BUT NOPE! There was hundreds of resets and it seemed like only me and my brother were aware of it! And yet, I continued to do like everything was normal, for my brother, but inside I was slowly losing my mind! Then, everything started to break up…… people simply started to disappeared after each reset, like erased from reality……. And there was nothing we could do……We killed the demon! They came back. They killed us! They starting all over again anyway!!! THERE WAS NOTHING WE COULD DO TO STOP THEM!!! But even if it seemed impossible, we continue to try!........Until there was only my brother and me…………….and then………………just me………._

  
Sans took a short pause, just the time to catch one's breath, and continue.

  
_-…… I've search for him…. everywhere! For hours!!!…….Screaming his name, breaking all the doors in my way, BEGGING, for what ever gods out there, to make him be safe and alive..........But the only thing I found was them! CHARA!_

  
His voice was filled with so much disgust and hatred when he pronounced the last word and, at the same time, his left eye lit up in some sort of blue flame as I couldn't see nothing but hate in his eyes anymore. It was like he couldn’t see me. At that moment, he was no more in this isolate little forest...he was there, at the exact moment where this ‘Chara’ broke something inside of him. I was scared he would accidentally hurt me while lost in his memories, but still, I couldn’t move. I was like a deer in front of a car…….as scary as the scene was, I was also fascinated by it…..and hurt, for not knowing how I could help him…..

  
_-…..and to add to the profanity, they were SMILING!!! Oh, this freaking smile! Only something that come from hell could draw such grin on their face! They looked so much proud of themselves...... Laughing at my distress like it was the best show they ever saw........But as much as I hate them, I refuse to give them the satisfaction of breaking me, never! I have to bring back everyone! I KNOW I CAN BRING BACK EVERYONE!!! Hope is the only thing I’ve got anymore….. But even If I still haven’t a clue about how to solved this, I’ve only really lost if I give up, right?……….... So I searched everywhere for any kind of clue, I made quite a mess in Undyne lab, she wouldn't be pleased.......and it seems like this entertain them even more than everything else before!……..I should have disappeared long ago, but they made sure I didn’t………..maybe it's for the satisfaction to see me give up or maybe it was simple curiosity over what I could find………..but whatever was their reasons or what they have done for conserving me, not only it worked, but……something happened from all this………..There was this magic barrier that was keeping us prisoner underground …… for many years we tried everything to broken it, to no effect…….. but in all those resets……. it did……. one morning I could feel something was missing! The air was different, there was new energy…… after investigating I find out…… I could get out! I could see the sky for the very first time in my life! _

  
As the flame in his eye was dying and Sans calm down, he raised his head to the sky, searching for the stars hiding behind the branches.

  
_\- I had dreamed of this moment for centuries…….I had pictured myself looking to the sky, his colors, the joy I would feel……with everyone by my side…………but there was no one………and even if I truly welcomed the change of scenery after so long…….I felt nothing but sadness at that moment……………..and anger, and determination....! If the answer wasn’t in the underground, maybe it was up there! So, I came back, every night, but still I could not convince myself to go further then the plateau in front of the entrance of the underground………………… I feared that, if I was going too far, it would close behind me and I wouldn’t be able to come back to save them……. All I did would then be for nothing…….. I would have abandoned them…… That was, at least, until I heard you scream......_

  
He turned his attention to me with a soft gaze, the sad smile finaly back at his place. I didn't really know how to act at that moment....to much emotion, I was confused....so I just looked at him, uncertain, asking myself if I should do or say something....But Sans hadn't finish...

  
_-........ I....... *chuckle* This is crazy..... I was so used to be alone, not even an instant I had thought there could be other living being outside of my home......... Neither did I realised how much I missed it...... company.......the presence of another, being able to have a conversation, hearing a voice other than mine or the echo flowers....... or the demon..... When I heard you scream it was like I was awaking from a nightmare, someone has survived, someone I could save..... or help.......I...... I'm so happy..... you have no idea..... how much...... happy..... I'm...... Not only I'm not alone anymore, but I finally meet a real human! One who got emotions!......... I'm so happy....!!!! _

  
I cannot say I had understood everything that was said, hell, if this story haven't been told to me by a living skeleton I would maybe have my doubt about it..... But as overwhelming was the situation, all that matter was the emotions, the pain was definitely true.... and before I could stop, the question passed my lips...

  
_-...Can I hug you...?_

  
For a moment Sans looked at me surprised, probably wondering if he had heard correctly, before rushing into my arms... that wasn't really ready yet.... but I managed to catch up fast enough. Sans was sobbing uncontrollably, clinging at me like his life depended on it and trembling like a leaf as everything could finally get out....He must had keep all this inside himself for a very long time I thought. I was crying too, of course! Who would not have cried, would not have a soul! And, even if I wouldn't admit it out loud..... I realised I needed it too as I returned his hug. We stayed like that for some times, no words, just the warmth and presence of each other and the stream of tears that was soaking our clothes when finally my throat loosens enough to allow me a few words.

  
_-......I.......*snif*.....I'm so sorry......_

  
Sans has calmed down by now, but was still hugging, maybe too exhausted by his flow of emotions to move yet. I know that it was my case....but still, I simply continued...

  
_-......*chuckle* .......and when I think I dare to complain about my littles problems when you....._

  
I never got the chance to finish my sentence as the skeleton suddenly detached himself to grap me strongly by my shoulders and forced me to look at him in the eyes. His expression was serious despite his eyes mark by the tears that was still visible on their corner and on his cheeks.

  
_-STOP! Stop right there! Don't apologize, don't you dare apologize for what you are feeling right now! Pain isn't a competition, there isn't a scale of priorities, whatever I'm living doesn't make what you're experiencing less valid! Because it is valid, you are valid, what you're living is valid!.......Yes, I........ I'm hurt...... for so long, I too, have refused to allow me to share my trouble with anyone, thinking it wasn't the right moment, that they had enough on their minds, that I had to be strong!......... Oh, how I have regreted once there wasn't anyone anymore......I'm happy.... no, honored, that you had trusted me enough to share your problems and I'm happy I had the chance to finally share mine with someone that care..... as you said; ''If I want people to be open with me, it should be natural for me to be open with them!'' So, please, don't diminish what you are feeling by comparing your pain to others. The fact that someone's living hard times doesn't erase your hard times...... please, be kinder to yourself......_

  
While he was going on, I started silently crying again..... because it seems today is a freaking cry-fest and I didn't cry enough apparently!!! Once he had finished, he pulled me over for another hug and, even if he didn't ask for the permission, I didn't mind. It felt good..... and I didn't want to lose this sensation. For once I had no shame, I didn't feel like a burden........ It was such a release! We stayed, again, like this in silence for a while. Him, stroking my hair and making circles in my back to calm me as I simply continued soaking his shirt more...... Once I finally calm down, I detached myself from him, drying my eyes with the back of my arm before looking at him with a pitiful smile.

  
_-..............Thank you..........for what it's worth.........you helped me a lot. So thanks....._

  
At this instant, I could see his eyes brighten up like he just received the best gift of his life..... he wished to help someone and so did he. But now it was my turn, I wanted to help him too! There was no way I would let him just return to his solitude braving what ever this ''Chara'' was! I would never be able to look at myself in a mirror if I did.

  
_-.........And, you know......maybe I could help you too........with this ''Chara''....?_

  
_-WHAT!? Oh no! NO! This is way too dangerous! And I assure you, you already helped me a lot! I'm very thankful for meeting you tonight, you don't need to do anything else! If they hurt you....... I couldn't forgive myself!!! _

  
_-...... Well, I didn't want to suggest to physically fight them... I'm more of a pacifist to be honest, I could be able to apologize about kicking someone while I was trying to defend myself from them....... not that this is helping my case...... BUT! If this ''demon'' came from the human world, maybe the answer to your trouble is on the human side! Like you said it yourself; ''two heads are better than one'' and '''I could bring a new perspective to your dilemma''. After all, as I'm living on this side, I would probably have more facilities to find informations and to know where to search for them...... and I could come back here from time to time to share what I find! If you allow me, of course......_

  
Sans took a moment to think about it as I was hanging there, waiting for his answer. Finally, at my greatest joy, he accepted.

  
Then started a long and VERY detailed conversation where he told me every information he had on his enemy and how his world worked. The experiences their scientist was working on, the souls, the determination......Everything! All interrupted from time to time by my questions. Once we had finished, the dawn had risen. I proposed Sans to accompany me at home, but he declines, still insecure at the idea to be too far away from his world. SO I promised to come back in two nights before we give each other a last goodbye....

  
I had to wait for the bus for more than 20 minutes before it pick me up. The driver, a very nice lady, listened to my story about my lost bag and key and my panic attack (I didn't mention the magic skeleton of course) before calling the bus central where my bag was. She even dropped me there as it was on her way! Then, around 7 or 8 am, I have finally passed my apartment door. Not a sound has suggested that my roommate had noticed my absence.....I was so relieved! I had passed practically all the ride for home thinking at what I could tell her for explaining myself. So, without more ceremony, I called my manager to tell her I wasn't feeling well and I couldn't come to work that day, before crashing in my bed. All this adventure had been a lot and I was a mess, but I made the promise that, has soon as awake, I would immediately get to work to help my new wonderful, and also, unusual friend!

  
The end


End file.
